journal entry #1 (the ultimate excuse)

                                                                                           art by ani wheatCosmos Being 2
I need a recording device that caught my thoughts as they were happening so that I could catch fleeting whispers that are not shared or remembered. I use to carry a pen and paper wherever I went just for those moments, but now it takes force to remove myself from my spot and find something to write with. Perhaps I am just lazier, I honestly don’t know. The other day I created a poem, but did not write it down. I knew that once I moved the words would dissipate and I would have not finished. The feeling is gone and the lines are lost.

… Is it just me or is it hard to keep in touch with people? I was never one for talking on the phone and nothing has changed. I use to live on a commune with two dozen other people and whenever the phone rang I would quickly walk the other direction saying “It’s not for me — I’m not here.” Finally someone asked who or what I was hiding from, but I could not answer. Social interaction can be stressful, and I still don’t know what haunts me. I don’t want to admit something serious.

Anyone could be reading, and I am unsure if announcing myself in this fashion will backfire, but I am curious. I have been asking myself, do I have Asperger’s or am I just that socially awkward? I would almost feel relieved to know that everything I have ever done was because I was “abnormal.” It could explain why I make inappropriate remarks, dislike telephones, hugs, eye contact, and loud noises. It would also explain my problem of randomly bursting into raunchy song, loudly sighing when comfort is achieved, trying to mind-meld with stray cats,   urges to return home after dark, and the ability to fly…obsessively.  Maybe aspergers is the excuse I am looking for. am i convincing?

… and now for something completely different!

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